When a dismissive avoidant goes through a breakup, their approach to the end of a relationship can seem a bit like a mystery novel.
At first glance, they’re the cool character who never seems to lose their composure, moving through their daily life as if nothing has changed.
They’ll throw themselves into work, hit the gym harder, or maybe even dive into a new hobby with an intensity that seems to say ‘I’m totally fine.’ But under the calm surface, there’s a lot going on that they’re not ready to face.
The thing is, their emotional world is more complex than it seems, and the breakup stages they experience are unique to their avoidant nature.
Let’s walk through these five stages that outline the not-so-obvious breakup timeline of a dismissive avoidant.
What Exactly Is A Dismissive Avoidant?
A dismissive avoidant is someone who values their independence above all else, especially in relationships. They tend to keep an emotional distance from their partner to maintain a sense of self-sufficiency.
It’s not that they don’t have feelings, but rather, they’re super private about them, often brushing off deep discussions or emotional moments.
When it comes to love and attachment, dismissive avoidants are like cats who enjoy your company but on their terms. They might not come running when you call and seem to have their own agenda.
They crave freedom and often worry about getting too tangled up in relationships. They’re not the ‘clingy’ type and will often keep a safe emotional distance.
Now, when the relationship goes south, their approach is unique. They might act like the breakup is just a minor inconvenience. They’re not the type to openly pine over lost love or to spill their guts to friends.
They keep things to themselves and often act like they’ve got everything under control, even if they’re feeling the sting of the breakup deep down.
How Does A Dismissive Avoidant Handle The Initial Shock Of A Breakup?
When hit with the news of a breakup, a dismissive avoidant typically doesn’t skip a beat. You won’t catch them gasping in shock or displaying a dramatic outburst.
It’s more of a quiet ‘Okay, got it,’ and then they’ll probably change the subject or leave the scene as if they’ve got an appointment they’re late for.
They handle the initial shock by not seeming shocked at all. In their world, they’re the cool cats who have an aura of ‘I saw this coming’ or ‘This is probably for the best.’
They might even throw in a few logical reasons why the breakup is a good thing, treating it as a minor blip in their life plan.
However, don’t be fooled by their cool exterior. Inside, their mind might be racing, and they might be feeling more than they let on. But you’d be hard-pressed to notice.
[Also read: When Does Breakup Hit the Dumper?]
Dismissive Avoidant Breakup Stages
Stage 1: Denial
The immediate aftermath of a breakup for the dismissive avoidant doesn’t look like your typical heartbreak scene.
They might continue to roll out of bed at their usual early hour, slot into their well-ironed work clothes, and sip their coffee with the same old ‘just another day’ expression. Their world appears unchanged, even if on the inside, there’s a crack in the foundation.
You won’t find them moping around or checking their phone for texts that won’t come. Instead, they’re the first to arrive at the office or the gym, pouring all that unacknowledged emotional energy into something productive.
It’s as though they’re trying to outpace their feelings, staying one step ahead of the reality that’s slowly sinking in.
Their social life doesn’t skip a beat either. Invitations are accepted, drinks are had, and laughs are shared, all with the ease of someone who hasn’t just had their romantic world upended. They won’t mention the breakup; there’s an unspoken rule that it’s not a topic for discussion. Their life’s narrative continues, and that chapter is seemingly left unwritten.
At home alone, the silence is filled with anything but thoughts of the breakup. Music, podcasts, late-night comedy shows – anything that fills the space and drowns out the inner voice that’s trying to acknowledge the loss.
The reality of the breakup is like a distant storm cloud that they’re convinced might just blow over if they ignore it long enough.
Stage 2: Rationalization
Here’s where the dismissive avoidant’s mind turns into a well-oiled machine, churning out reasons why the breakup makes sense.
He/she will dissect the relationship with surgical precision, pointing out all the incompatibilities and disagreements as evidence that it was doomed from the start.
The goal? To confirm that they’re better off without the relationship.
Inside their mind, the narrative is clear and logical. They’ve crafted a story that paints them as the protagonist who was too pragmatic for such an impractical affair.
Love, with all its chaos and unpredictability, was an outlier in the graph of their life. And outliers, as any good statistician knows, are often disregarded.
Friends might be given a pared-down version of this rationale. The dismissive avoidant doesn’t delve into the gritty details; they offer up the Cliff Notes instead.
They have no interest in analyzing the emotional aspects, only in presenting the breakup as something that, upon review, was the next logical step in their life progression.
[Interesting: 12 Reasons Why Couples Usually Breakup After 2 Years]
Stage 3: Minimizing/Repression
Once the rationalizing simmers down, the dismissive avoidant starts to treat the entire relationship as though it were just a footnote.
“Oh, that? It was just a brief thing,” they might say, almost as if they were talking about a weekend workshop they attended rather than a significant other they had.
This stage is marked by a quick return to the dating scene, but there’s no deep connection sought. They skim the surface with dates that are light on depth and heavy on distraction.
These encounters are like the social equivalent of snacking – it takes the edge off hunger but isn’t meant to be fulfilling.
In this stage, you won’t hear them wax poetic about past love. The depth of the relationship is played down with a shrug or a pivot to the next topic.
They approach conversations about their dating history with the same enthusiasm someone might have for discussing the weather – it’s polite chit-chat, nothing more.
On the off chance they’re caught in a moment of introspection, it’s over before it even really begins. Maybe there’s a flicker of recognition that they’ve lost something, but they quickly cover it with a smirk and a quip about how life is full of lessons.
The dismissive avoidant might admit they’ve learned something from the relationship, but they’ll say it with the casualness of someone mentioning they’ve learned a new trick on their smartphone.
Stage 4: Emotional Outburst
Sooner or later, the emotions the dismissive avoidant has been dodging make a grand entrance.
They’ve been cruising along, then boom – something as small as a familiar scent or a shared joke from memory lane hits them. And it hits hard.
They’re blindsided by a surge of emotion that’s been brewing under the surface for weeks, maybe even months.
This is the stage where the armor cracks. The dismissive avoidant might find themselves lashing out over trivial things – the driver who cut them off, the coffee shop getting their order wrong.
It’s not really about these little hiccups in daily life; it’s about the turmoil that’s been accumulating. Picture a tea kettle left on the stove – eventually, it’s going to whistle.
They’re not usually one for heart-to-hearts, but during this stage, an emotional outburst might lead to unexpected confessions. They might overshare to a friend or even to the barista, anyone who’s willing to listen.
It’s as if all the feelings they’ve bottled up have found a crack to pour out of, and now there’s no stopping the flow.
Stage 5: Acceptance
Eventually, the dismissive avoidant reaches a plateau – the high emotions taper off, and there’s a quiet acknowledgment of the breakup.
Daily life adjusts to its new normal. The routines that once included their partner are reshaped to fit one. It’s not about making a statement of independence anymore; it’s simply about living their life.
With acceptance, the dismissive avoidant may even begin to let down their guard just a little. They’re not out there making big plans for their next great love, but they’re also not as dismissive as before.
Life has shown them that feelings, even the messy kind, have their place. They’re not ready to dive into the deep end again, but they’ve stopped pretending the water doesn’t exist.
How Do Dismissive Avoidants Finally Come To Terms With A Breakup?
Coming to terms with a breakup for a dismissive avoidant is a gradual process. They don’t wake up one day with a burst of clarity and closure.
Instead, they inch toward acceptance little by little, often without fanfare or deep introspection. It’s a quiet nod to the end of something that once mattered, even if they didn’t show it much.
You might notice a dismissive avoidant finally talking about their ex without the need to change the subject quickly.
Or they might mention the breakup in a matter-of-fact way without the cold, analytical tone they had before. It’s subtle, but it’s there – the softening around the edges of their previously rigid stance on the breakup.
The final stage of acceptance is like a dismissive avoidant slowly opening that emotional box they stored away and looking at its contents with a sense of peace. They’re not going to broadcast their process or make a big deal out of it.